The Secret To Happy Consumers

December has been a typically busy month spent in more stores and restaurants than I care to admit.  Thank god it’s almost over.  Yes, a good reason for this burn out is simply excess shopping (good cougar) and excess eating (bad cougar).  However, a bigger issue is this:  I have never felt older and as belittled as I did in the weeks leading up to Christmas.  What the hell is up with the service industry anyway and when did I start to get categorized?

Here are my top five most detested one-liners regularly served up to me in service world.

1.  Hi ladies, what can I get for you?   

For me, you can get some f-ing corporate training on how not to greet a group of women who have the misfortune of being seated in your area of the bar.  What’s up with the “ladies” bullshit?  I don’t want some 20 year old boob factory smarmying me up with some condescending grown up speak.  Now if you’re 40 and I walk in with a friend and you ask me woman to woman if you can be of any help, okay.  I can accept that.  This “ladies” crap coming from a young thing hustling tips doesn’t work for me.  Male waiters, you don’t score any points on this one either.  Being called a lady doesn’t turn on my cougar radar and make me want to hunt you down and shag you.  It makes me want to smack that oh so overdone, big tip expecting smile off of your baby skin face.  Cut it out!

2.  Right this way, miss.

Okay, miss what?  Miss “you’re old enough to be my mother?”  Miss “I’ll park your walker for you?”  Miss “you’re never going to be able to get a date ever again?”  Miss “she’s old but maybe she has some disposable income she can lay on the wait staff if I shovel out some fake respect?”

I don’t know when exactly I crossed the line from a neat “right this way” to having a “miss” thrown on the end, but I despise it and I want to knock every fucker out that lays it on me.

And for you gay guys who think it’s perfectly okay because we both know I’m never going to score with you anyway, it’s actually worse.  When you, who appreciate beauty and youth throw “miss” in there you might as well just say “wow, you’re one ugly old lady.”  Stop it!

3.  Can I put you on hold for a moment, ma’am?

Let’s save it for the cowboys, shall we folks?  There’s no inoffensive way to throw ma’am around unless you have a drawl and are wearing a cowboy hat and chaps.  If you’re serving me over the phone and have a foreign accent, I’m going to guess that you’re not in the appropriate attire.  It’s perturbing enough to be put on hold, but being called “ma’am” just before you stick it to me further with the elevator music is like a double burn.  End it!

4.  Are you finding everything you need, hon?

I’m sorry, do I know you?  Intimately?

5.  Hey, how’s it goin’?

I had to throw this one in just for the sheer annoyance of it.  The trendy chain stores selling childrens clothes are the offenders here.  It’s obvious that the twelve year old employees are instructed to greet every customer (e.g. parents buying clothes for their kids – the only people shopping there) in this hang-loose, easy going, we’re too cool for school kind of way. Sadly, I was in these stores enough to determine that every time I walked through the bloody door I was going to meet another fresh faced high schooler and get the same, disinterested, pat greeting.  I’d totally prefer you smile at me sympathetically and keep your stupid naive mouth shut, and don’t ask me a question you really can’t handle the answer to.

What I’m strongly suggesting is that anyone serving me simply stick with a salutation that is both intelligent and unspecific in it’s address.  Please don’t add anything cute, anything defining, anything totally insincere, anything intimate.  Please let me enter and leave with my dignity.  Whether I’m 20, 40, 60 or 80 be attentive but please, please, please don’t label me and keep it gender neutral and age free.  This way, we can all get along.


I’m Sane. The NRA Makes Me Want to Kill Someone.

Okay, this is off the cuff.  I just heard something so outrageous that I’m simply going to react.  I’m not going to over think it, philosophize about it or edit it.  I’m just going to react.

The National Rifle Association has broken its silence about the massacre in Connecticut.

The NRA should just shut the fuck up.  They should hold their entitlement filled, backward-ass meetings in Old Jimmy’s basement where they can smoke more crack and clean their guns and figure out world peace.   And they should never be given a public voice.

Because according to the NRA the best way to prevent gun violence is to give out more guns.  That’s right.  How did the spokesperson put it, whose name I never care to know?

“The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun,” and the equally dumbfounding, “I call on Congress today to act immediately, to appropriate whatever is necessary to put armed police officers in every school — and to do it now.”

Okay, dumb ass.  And who are the good guys again?

The U.S. Army major that killed 13 people on the Fort Hood army base?

The two high school students from Columbine?

The security guard that killed three of his colleagues in Alberta, Canada?

The neuroscience student attending the University of Colorado who went to a Batman movie one fateful night?

How do you purport to know who is “good”?

How do you know who isn’t one more bad experience away from losing it and turning to their gun?  How do you know who is and who isn’t in a desperate situation and seeing murder as the only solution?  How do you know which one of the police officers you wish to put in schools is battling personal problems and about to have a really bad day?

In short, what the hell are you talking about?  How the hell do you know who the “good guy” is?

When one of your “good guys” loses it and uses his/her gun for bad, then what?  We just file it under “isolated incident” and find a replacement good guy, as endorsed by the NRA?

What about when the “good guy” police officer accidentally shoots and kills a child at school while trying to take a shot at the “bad guy?”  Is that child our sacrificial lamb?  Our NRA hero?

I’m just as insignificant as the NRA asshole, but since we’re all making calls what the hell.  Here’s what I “call on.”

I call on humanity.  I call on common sense.  I call on peace.  I call on wisdom.   I call on freedom.  Not armed freedom because that’s false freedom.  Freedom from arms.  And I call for help.

I want help to eradicate guns.  I want help to eradicate the messed up, disgusting, horrible thinking of those that believe arming ANYONE is the way to regulate the few (impactful as they are) who choose to use a gun to kill innocent people.  I want help to crush the cult of entitlement around guns and the “right” to bear arms.    I want help in confronting this sick NRA individual who leads an army of assholes.

Because when it all boils down to it, it’s the members of the NRA and their combined inability to comprehend their contribution to this tragedy that I’m most afraid of.