Who has the January Blahs? I do I do!!! After a month of eating and drinking and eating and drinking and drinking and eating, then having to actually give up the eating and drinking, well, it can leave a cougar feeling a little lost and empty on the inside, and a lot puffy on the outside. It was fun while it lasted, bring on the yoga pants. It seemed that no amount of sweating on the treadmill was going to defeat my post holiday funk, even with the added firepower of “Walking on Sunshine,” on repeat (and don’t it feel GOOD-HEY!) but then, it appeared. A simple photo that said Helen, lighten up, have faith in the world, everything is going to be all right.
You may be thinking “oh, she must have seen a pic flaunting the latest trend in men’s fashion,” MEGGINGS, which come in various colours and sizes:
And although this may indeed solve the mystery of penis dimensions kept from both the fairer sex, and architects for centuries as queried in “What Should We Expect of Brad Pitt’s Penis,” it was actually not the megging phenomenon that made me perk up and see the light at the end of my detoxing tunnel. The photo revealed a much simpler idea, with origins just as mysterious as mens’ penis size. Symbolic of all that is right and good in the universe, the propelling force of humanity, the raison d’etre, the power and simple beauty of TRUE LOVE
Wait a minute, TRUE LOVE? Is she fucking him??? Is she seriously fucking him??? I have much respect for seniors, their wisdom and experience, I hope to be one someday, but come on folks- he is 86 years old, is that part of the deal? Is she really actually fucking him, and liking it??? Does she have any idea how long the effects of Viagra can last? Hours!! Did she sign a no-fucking clause? How does this work? And if she truly is down, what about him? There must be times when he doesn’t want the pressure of pleasing his lusty, young and clearly horny wife, when the old fella just wants to be 86, eat cold cuts, and play checkers.
I know, I know, it’s Hugh Hefner, who wouldn’t want to stand out in his crowded mansion? I can imagine all those women working hard to obtain just the right tint of bleach blonde, the perfect pigment of fake tan, teeth whitened, face botoxed, lips injected, cheeks implanted, boobs siliconed, butt lipo’d, body hair waxed, anus bleached, and labia reduced to become the quintessential woman, and then what a pat on the bunny behind to be singled out as the chosen one, so congratulations to her, it must be a veritable Where’s Waldo in there!
But strangely, Hef is not the anomaly. We’ve seen it many times before, very old men with much younger wives or girlfriends, (or both). Hollywood is full of them. The most hideous of poorly aging rock stars pull this off without any public outcry. You know who I am talking about: THE MANTHER Theories abound as to what makes these creatures so alluring: money; power; silk bathrobes and captain hats; impressive knowledge of WWII facts; insurance policies; years left to live? Throw in some unresolved daddy issues and you’ve got instant fireworks!
And now, the burning question: WHY is it so acceptable for an older, much older man, an octogenarian man, to date a younger woman, but the reverse would cause mass chaos and confusion in the world? Even Demi, who lived the dream for a while, couldn’t hold on to it at 49. Did she just get too old, past her prime? Why does a man’s prime last so much longer? A lifetime even? How are men able to hang on to their desirability long after their looks have faded? How does a manther stay one step ahead of their younger, stiffer competition, and just how large exactly is their collection of cuff links? These are the secrets of the Manther Files.
If it is about power and fame, then why aren’t women wielding theirs? Surely in 2013 there are plenty of notable women in a position to buck the trend, and a few broncos, must we continue to count on Madonna for everything ladies? Maybe by the time they reach 60 or 70 or 80 or 86, women just don’t give a shit about arm candy anymore, they aren’t interested in the trade off, but for the sake of argument what if there actually was a woman who was also born in April 1926 making her 86 years old, that owned mansions and yachts, was a huge media celebrity, had a lot of power and influence in the world, loads of cash, and was partial to wearing robes and a hat, would surgically enhanced young studs not line up to frolic in her pool? Hells yeah