Now that you’re gone, I realize how much I need you. I’ve been a coward not to write. Maybe I didn’t want to face the issue. Maybe I didn’t want to face your sage advice.
I’m keeping a huge secret from my boyfriend. It’s my blog. He doesn’t know I have it going on. I haven’t been able to bring myself to tell him. I’m not quite sure why. No, that’s a lie. Actually I am quite sure why. I enjoy the creative freedom having my secret blog gives me. No judgement from one so close to me, other than Helen, my partner in crime in the blogosphere. She keeps secrets too. And we crack each other up. No issues there. My boyfriend is a whole other kettle of fish.
I worry that he might get a little jealous of the time I devote to my blog world and on-line community. I’ve taken to getting up at 7:00 am on weekend mornings just so I can get a couple of hours to myself before he and the kids wake up. Unfortunately for him, it’s when I feel most creative. He has not taken kindly to this rather new routine. He wants me to get creative with him. Dissatisfied and dis-serviced, I’m afraid he will only have harsh words and criticism for my endeavor, if he ever finds out what exactly is coming between him coming.
On the other hand, am I fooling myself to think that my boyfriend has no idea of my affair with my computer? Is it like affairs of the flesh where he’s very aware of the decrease in the level of attention he’s getting, and I am fooling myself thinking that nothing significant has changed? That there’s nothing to notice? That I’m making it up in other ways? It’s not like we have a longstanding history of getting creative in bed at 7:00 am on a weekend morning anyway. It’s been known to happen, sure. But it’s not like that specific time was booked and suddenly I’ve gone and changed the appointment. Am I blogging secretly on borrowed time? Is there bound to be an ugly confrontation rife with accusations and unsatisfactory explanations?
I’m not sure how much longer this can go on. I loathe the feeling that I would have to edit my creativity, worried about what he, if he knew, would say about my posts. It could be the clandestine nature of my blogging that adds the edge and keeps the fire lit under my ass. Keeps my creative juices flowing. Yet, I don’t like keeping it secret from him because it’s something that brings me great pleasure, as does he, but in a different way. For that reason I desperately want to share it. I’m simply afraid he won’t understand. Won’t relate. Won’t support.
Dear Abby, if you were still with us what would you say? How would you advise this woman torn? I know I’m too late, but I could sure use you now.