BROUGHT TO YOU SEMI-REGULARLY BY THE COUGAR DEN
Hello advice seekers and boys under 29 who don’t know they need advice yet. It was a regular weeknight and I realized that I had no alcohol whatsoever in the house. This is not good practice for a real-life cougar as it could cause the rep to take a beating. I dutifully went off to find myself a bottle of wine, which I could proudly display on the counter in the event that …
I grabbed a vintage selection, highly recommended by some sommelier that has an amazing fucking life. I prepped the salmon for dinner and started boiling water for some orzo. Ah, time to taste the vino and loosen up in the event that…
Everything was going well. Corkscrew nicely embedded, I was feeling young, strong and agile as I pulled that puppy out. Suddenly, there was cork breakage. Shit. All stop. I gave the corkscrew a couple of more twists for good measure and went in for the kill, easing the broken part up past the bottle opening. Things were looking up when, SNAP! Only three quarters of the cork popped out.
A chunk of cork was sitting down in the neck of the bottle. I’m ashamed to admit I had a bit of a HIGHLY uncharacteristic panic attack. Water was starting to boil for the pasta and I wanted to get the salmon baked. Obviously, I needed my glass of wine to sip on in order to be able to move dinner preparation forward, open the oven and put the fish in.
Crap, crap, crap. How was I going to get the damn piece of cork? I first tried to corkscrew it but that just poked it further down the neck. To my horror I realized that one outcome could be a substantial piece of dry cork floating around in my vintage wine. I immediately switched into survival mode.
I shuffled through my utensil drawer. There I found the lobster picks. I have no idea where I got them or why I have them, but I must of known I would use them for something someday. I grabbed one and picked at the outside edge of the cork. Relying on legendary cougar dexterity, I managed to turn the piece on its side. From that position I was able to slowly coax the cock up. CORK, I meant cork. Sorry, cougar typo.
POP! Mission accomplished.
Tears sprang into the corner of my eyes. Could my waterproof mascara handle it? Wait, no, not a priority. The more pressing problem now was the bits of cork all up along the sides of the bottle neck, and a nice collection of bits sitting down in the wine itself.
Hmm. For my next trick I took a paper towel, twirled it tight, and sent it down the neck.
Although a mostly successful mission, the resulting condition of the paper towel threw my wine appetite off a bit. It looked kind of like a cougar encounter gone waaaaaaaay wrong.
Due to the beckoning of a full bottle of red wine and the fact that I’ve seen (but to be clear not caused) worse, I worked through my disgust in about 8 seconds, and here is the result:
And that is how you get broken cork out of a fine bottle of wine.
So, ladies and gentlemen should this ever happen to you, have your tools at the ready, your wits about you and a cougar always on speed dial.