BROUGHT TO YOU SEMI-REGULARLY BY THE COUGAR DEN
Helen and Denmother, being the intelligent women that they are, crave information, seek out intellectual development and listen to news radio while putting on their faces and plumping up their lady lumps. That is why, when the following email was received in one of our inboxes, we shared and discussed the validity of the topic and its importance to the well-being of women around the world. We concluded that we have been entrusted with the dissemination of this information:
Date: 2013-02-26 1:40 PM
Subject: 3 questions that get all women excited
Turn Women On
Do you want to learn how to turn on any woman in the world, then we will help you make this happen…get ready, because once we teach you how to do this, there is no turning back.
There are 3 questions that will turn on any woman right after they hear them.
You have been selected to watch a very important video. After you watch it you will know the secret on how to make any woman in the world want to be with you.
Watch this video you’ll make all women horny <http://www.mzian.com/f0ad40/?ch6f5dh27e9c60d9h0hd257b2>
After the hour long video session was finally over, and the beguiling website had distracted us sufficiently enough to extort all of our personal digitized information, install various forms of malware, and link our ip address to enough porn sites to last a lifetime, Helen and Denmother, basking in the LCD computer monitor glow, shared a cigarette and tried to piece together the cutting-edge, intellectually complex female psychology they had just witnessed.
Now, although we have watched the video numerous times in order to support our research and give us a reason to get up in the morning, we don’t recommend that you do the same. Mainly because the video is a red herring. Sure it makes bold assertions of undetectable mind reading tactics; persuasion methods secretly used by the CIA; intelligence that a small group of “scientists” has classified as leaked information – codename Pandora’s Box. Even wilder claims still: a magic magnet that can bypass a woman’s rejection mechanism; the 33 innocent words of mind control you can use on any woman to get her in bed, and the correct shape of belt buckle that will have her staring at your crotch uncontrollably. Perhaps the most outrageous claim of all is that these techniques are foolproof no matter how pathetic you are, EVEN IF YOU RIDE A BICYCLE TO WORK!!! But sadly, the mysteries touted in the video and the three secret questions that led us to the site in the first place were never revealed. More empty promises – all talk no action – a cougar’s worst nightmare. Instead, we’re asked to PAY for the information. But, even if the cost is far less than the amount you will be spending on condoms once you have knowledge of these 3 questions, we don’t want to see you spend your hard-earned money. So, we are willing to give you the information here at the Cougar Den, absolutely free, no strings attached!
Fabulous readers, we recognize an opportunity for
lowbrow humour enlightenment when we see it. We are men magnets and have heard it all. We consider ourselves international ambassadors to a one cougar nation, we have the questions at hand that will melt the coldest of hearts, excite the chilliest of the chilled, moisten the underpants of the dry and generally guarantee a first base pass and smooth slide into second, maybe even third if the delivery is exceptional.
Are you ready for the 3 questions that are going to change your vertical life into a horizontal one? Grab a pen and paper. Here we go…
1. “Honey, do you mind if I don’t fart in front of you and laugh like a moron anymore? It’s just a little ritual I like to save for when I’m hanging out with the guys.”
Huge props to any guy that has come up with this on his own. You’ve witnessed the elation that crosses the face of your lover and I guarantee, hands down, you got some lovin’ just by saying those few words. Guys who haven’t figured it out before now – try it, and you’re welcome.
2. “Can you please put your John Mayer album on again? I just can’t get enough of that guy.”
This one is a sure thing. Once you bond with her over your love for John Mayer, you will be between the sheets in no time, on your way to ecstasy, and making faces similar to those legendary ones that John pulls out when he’s ripping on his guitar. It’s why we love him. Look at him. How hot it that face? Hot Cougar Tip hot.
*Note, you will actually have to endure her John Mayer album again to ensure success and she will have to endure your John Mayer guitar face again, but it will be worth it, right?
3. “Babe, it’s time. Do you want me to use vinegar or baking soda when I clean your fridge?”
If you are dating a cougar, this one is actually a pretty easy score since her fridge will likely contain only wine, and therefore will not be a breeding ground for scary living creatures, much like her ovaries. If your object of desire is not a cougar, there’s no saying how long you could be scrubbing for, though you’ll still reach the desired outcome. Guaranteed.
And finally, for those of you that need the extra help, you know, the kind of guys mentioned above that ride bicycles to work, here’s an extra cougar tip in the form of a BONUS QUESTION:
“Sweetie, you are getting dangerously close to being out of wine. Can I borrow your car to go pick up a couple of bottles before the liquor store closes?”
With this query you can cunningly deflect your vehicular disability and turn the tables. Your Porche is in the shop. The Maserati has an oil leak. The Benz is getting detailed. Whatever the reason you don’t show up with a car, there will be little or no reason to explain as she blinks blankly, thinking she has hit the man jackpot.
There you go. Four questions that will have her undressing before she can verbalize a response. Be ready. These are not “test run” situations.