Why We Need Five Blade Razors

Okay, that’s it.  This blog has waited long enough.  It’s time.  Time to talk about body hair.  I’m not going to go all super girly on you, or all super butch.  I’m just going to put it out there because frankly, tending to it is a near daily part of a woman’s life – unless you’re a hippie and more power to you.  Just please don’t dance around me, pit hair swaying as you spin to the Grateful Dead.

Here’s how it goes.  The first time a young woman shaves her legs, the change is almost indescribable.  That was my experience anyway.  I completely remember taking all that leg hair off in the bathroom sink one summer up at my cottage, and rubbing my hand along the smooth skin beneath.  It was crazy weird.  I could hardly believe the legs were mine.  I was hooked.  That’s not to say upkeep hasn’t become a pain in the ass, but smooth legs over hairy legs is the only way I roll.

Armpits, not so exciting.  I haven’t a clue when I began shaving them.  All I remember is being concerned with the logistics.  Okay, how do I run a razor down here without stripping my skin off into fine ribbons?  I’ve obviously been doing something right because I have never yet bled out.

I’ve been fortunate not to be cursed with a woman ‘stache.  I know some ladies have to go for a regular wax to keep that thing at bay.  Considering how much I loathe having to get the eyebrows done, I can’t imagine the agony of having upper lip hair regularly ripped off of my body.  If I grow some when I’m 60+ I’ve already decided that I’m going to ignore it, other than try to keep it as food-free as possible.

Arm hair is a weird one.  I think there are women that actually wax it regularly.  I don’t like men enough to bother.  Screw that.

Down to the the good stuff.  I’m going to come clean, Helen, and reveal to you and the rest of the blogging world that I’ve never done it.  Nope, I’ve never gotten a bikini wax.  You might want to tell me that I don’t know what I’m missing.  In my mind, ignorance is bliss.  I take care of it.  I’m adept at using a 5-blade.  I haven’t cut into anything major down there.  I just can’t get excited about sitting with another lady while she hot butters me up and then rips the shit out of my tender bits.  I wouldn’t ever do it to someone else so why the hell am I going to pay someone to do it to me?

Um, pass.

None of the guys I’ve been with seem to give a crap.  Nobody has stopped mid stride and said, hey, about your unwaxed pubes.  I think they’re just thrilled that I don’t have a mustache full of the “hoping to get lucky later” dinner they bought and crusty old pit hair.  And we ladies don’t size each other up on vaginas in the shower room (am I right on that ladies?), so I’m going to go ahead and say that mine is superb.  Totally worth the trip, regardless of whether what’s around it is waxed, shaved or full bodied.

Reviewing the maintenance list above, I could get into the whole debate about how unfair it is that women are expected to shave/wax and men just walk around hairy, sweaty, a little nasty and with permission to have their shirts off* to boot.  Aside from the complete unfairness of the shirt thing, I’m actually okay with this societal distinction of hair vs. no hair between the sexes.  I like being all smooth and getting lotioned up.  Keeps my cougar bod in check and it actually feels pretty good.

*Men, if you have ripped abs, I would be willing to reconsider my staunch position on the shirt thing.  Send pictures.


37 thoughts on “Why We Need Five Blade Razors

    • Hey Smooth,
      I can’t speak for my blog buddy, Helen – she may have her own lady secrets – but I don’t do the waxing of the privates. Maintenance, yes. Ripping of hair out, no.

      • I was asking for clarification because I have recently come across two separate women who did not do maintenance.

        One bragged about it as if it was a good thing. To which I told her I just gagged and to take care of that prior to seeing me. She said that I “scolded her” for it.

        The other had waxed when wearing a bathing suit at some point in the past, but her muff had never been trimmed. Again, I insisted that that be taken care of. This one also said that men liked it, and is acting as if I am an outlier. She says I am “neurotic” about it.

        I was actually going to write a post about this. I thought Sex in the City made personal grooming and personal toys mainstream. I think being groomed is the norm and going 70s style is going against the grain.

        Am I off base on this?

        I’m not changing my opinion–I’m just wondering if there is any truth to what these women are saying about my preferences….

        • Smooth,
          I’m doubting that bush is back, at least in the mainstream. I don’t find much attractive about mass peek-a-boo pubes and I’m not even a guy contemplating getting up in there. Having said that, telling a woman to take care of it before they see you may come off as more as a sexist remark than a statement of preference, but there’s nothing wrong with having an opinion and knowing what you like and what you don’t. Whether a woman agrees with your opinion or not will determine just how far the relationship goes.

          • Thanks for sharing. Especially on a personal topic.

            My assertiveness frequently lands me in trouble. But it is definitely not a sexist statement. It is a matter of preference.

            Apparently I have landed back to back women who dated some guy who thought old old school bush was hot immediately prior to me. Girl #2 is right in that I get the creepies just typing it….Just my preference. But a strong personal preference.

            Thanks again!

  1. You’re not alone. I have not and will not ever get a bikini wax. Just the thought of it makes me light-headed. Oh my eff-ing pain, you can keep it, no thank you, hell no, not gonna do it. I am as adamant about never skipping a day at shaving my pits. Not gonna do it. That’s first thing in every shower every day. Legs…meh. No one’s touching them, and it’s winter. Enough said.

  2. Ermmmm, do you mind editing your post so it’s ‘send pictures to me – and cc Noeleen of words fall etc” ?? 🙂

    Ah, wishin’.

    Truth is, same was for me when I first shaved my legs. Noticed nil but felt mighty grown.

    I will NOT EVER forget the day I discovered that my upper thighs, at the back where I can’t see, have hair on them, and this is not okay.

    My husband said it. Quite casually, inoffensively he asked, “Do you get the back shaved too?” and insinuating it wasn’t done well enough.

    Well, I could not believe it, regardless how hard I strained with the mirror. But yup, I had hair there where I could not see, myself.

    And now it’s thicker. And I still can’t see.

    Can’t see my ex husband, either…

  3. Oh, bikini waxes are not so painful, especially if limited to just the excess hair to the sides. Now, I would not try a full Hollywood or even a landing strip because I feel that would be horrifically painful (plus I think the look is weird!). I tried leg waxing a couple of times and that is way more painful! But all this waxing, shaving, bleaching (I lighthly bleach my arm hair so it’s not so dark) is just incredibly time consuming and wish I could dispense with the whole thing

  4. When did pubic hair become appalling? It’s just hair, and unlike pit and leg hair, it’s pretty much tucked away out of sight, minding its own business, adding a little insulation during the winter months. If it’s bursting out of your shorts, by all means, trim that hedgehog. If it’s so coarse you’re causing your partner abrasions, how about little conditioner. But a plentitude of pubes never stopped no one from doin’ nothin’! Worst case, you’re partner makes awkward post-lingus hair-on-the-tongue faces, but I just call that a tension-breaker!

    • It’s a trick I use, Helen. We must get together and discuss. You see, if I lure them in with well waxed brow they assume that the rest is all waxed up and I get to avoid all that pain.

  5. I’m so glad you got Freshly Pressed so that I could find you! I see some of my buddies hang out here, too.
    Question: Why in holy hell are razor blades so expensive? My Venus is bankrupting me.


    • And I love FP for drawing intelligent readers. Why the hell are they so expensive? You’re the first to pick up on my distain for the 5-blade. Idiotic marketing.
      Thanks for the congrats.

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