Female Sanitation In A Man’s World

For starters, our pads, tampons and panty (hello 1930’s) liners are referred to as sanitary napkins/products.  Okay, that term did not come from the minds of women.  Why?  Because we know what periods are all about.  They’re messy and bloody and often inconvenient.  Sanitary?  Um, no.

You know it, even with blood oozing out from our insides through our sanitary vaginas.

You see, if I want to be a good female citizen and properly package and dump my sanitary product in a public washroom, here’s what needs to happen:  I’ve got to bundle my sanitary product in toilet paper and then do a full 90˚ turn to the right or left and twist back to raise the lid of a little metal (and most definitely unsanitary) box attached to the wall and deposit my offering, all while maintaining my squatting position two inches off of the toilet seat.  I’m in okay shape, but come on!

Femcare? That’s got MALE written all over it.

Or, option #2: I have to shuffle like a crab for several steps in my squat position, panties around my ankles, to a special lady bin, step on a pedal and dump.  Then shuffle backward to return to the toilet.  100 bonus points to any woman who successfully does this single-handed, while trying to prevent a dress or skirt from dropping down into the toilet, or from having it accidentally rub up against her exposed, sanitary area.

I estimate a 12-step “sanitary” round-trip shuffle to the bin and back.

What kind of dumb ass came up with this whacked system?  Not a woman.  It’s tough enough remaining sanitary while squatting over a toilet seat.  To have to move around or reposition ourselves to maintain sanitation is ass backward.  There’s slim chance that something ain’t dripping somewhere while these feminine feats are being preformed.

Actually no, not really. A period day is not by default a happy day. Even that freakish looking 8-year-old doesn’t look particularly happy. Maybe because she hasn’t yet had the pleasure of using the sanitary product she is advertising.

And while we’re at it, each of us menstruating women might as well get a bullhorn and announce to our companions in the washroom that we have our period for all the indiscreet noise the opening and closing of these sanitary receptacle bins produce.

“Stall number 4.  Stall number 4.  We have a bleeder!”

Just look at my jazzy silhouette, purse in hand, kicking up my very feminine high heels because I’m bleeding again, just like I did 28 days ago. You go girl, you sanitary goddess.

Women, it’s high time we get female thinkers into the design of our public washrooms.  I know, I know, as the weaker, more delicate sex we all inherently feel we deserve to suffer, be martyrs, not behave in a bitchy manner, accept our lot in life to always appear sanitary and desirable.  But you know, after having personally suffered through this sanitary fiasco for the past 30 years, I’m ready to speak up.

This is not how it goes for me, but I’m certain if I had those perfectly manicured hands it would always be this sanitary and go this well.

For the love of our great gender, could a woman please design bins that are activated electronically by a simple wave of the hand, which then opens a little door with the sound of a whisper, into which I can easily and with little movement from my precarious position over the throne, deposit my decidedly unsanitary product.  And will somebody please clarify to men that women taking care of their “feminine hygiene” by using “sanitary napkins” doesn’t translate into happy, sexy, carefree feelings, regardless of what the packaging says?

True, it is a fantasy for a man to think that the time I’m going to purposely select to flirt with him is when I have a sanitary napkin stuck in my panties. Yet, I somehow don’t think that’s the message this sanitary product is trying to sell…

Sorry if I came off as bitchy.  I guess the only plausible explanation is PMS.


16 thoughts on “Female Sanitation In A Man’s World

  1. Agreed with every word. Lol, do you remember the advertising campaign “have a happy period”? I’d be surprised if a woman thought that one up.

  2. This is funny, but painfully so! I remember when Always pads used to have “Have a Happy Period!” on the paper strips you’d rip off. Each and every time I’d think “F*ck you, male marketing department!” Better to have sayings like “Running pedestrians down is a crime!” or “These won’t make you waddle like a duck”.
    Your posts are a blast!

    • Green,
      Every period is a happy period, isn’t it? Gosh, it’s when I’m most happiest of all. I love cotton and I love being clean – while bleeding and cramping. Life’s good.

  3. great post! made me laugh. thank goodness for me…after 13 months of non-bleeding i think i can safely say i no longer require these lovely “feminine” products anymore. however, i still need to cope with those unsanitary women who sprinkle their tinkle all over the toilet seat and those who think the rest of the female population want to see their unsanitary and completely unfeminine waste they’ve left behind when they don’t flush the toilet. come on ladies…you know who you are… common public toilet courtesy is all i ask!

  4. SO true, Denmother. I loathe to lift that lid, knowing what other hands must have touched it, then the bloody pad gets stuck on the lid because it’s sticky-backed and I have to shove it in and actually hold my breath doing so because I smell what’s in there. LOATHE the whole business. Sigh.

  5. YES! We desperately need a no-touch ‘sanitary disposal’ system! And what the hell are those Happy pads? She seriously is 8, and is that a mini-skirt? No one is wearing that short of a skirt when they’re on their period. No one. Hilarious!

  6. I never thought I would thrust the following anecdote into the public realm but I feel it is absolutely necessary at this juncture.
    Last summer, on the way to a wedding, I stopped off at a public toilet to deal with the almighty palaver that is The First Day of Your Period. I was wearing flip flops and a long dress. Upon entering the public toilet I had to firstly set my legs in a straddle position to avoid stepping in the large puddle of urine below the toilet. I hoisted my long dress over one shoulder to prevent it from trailing in said piss puddle. I had my bag over my other shoulder, in the absence of a useful hook.
    So I pulled down my knickers, which was difficult in itself as I was standing like an upright crab with my legs apart (because, you just don’t sit down in a public toilet, do you?), and rooted around finding my tampon string, all the while trying to balance and not let my dress slip off my left shoulder, my bag slip off my right shoulder, or get my bare flip-flopped feet in the urine, OR let the backs of my bare thighs touch the toilet seat, and as I was doing all this, I pulled my tampon out and it was so incredibly saturated with First Day of Your Period awfulness, that it swung like a pendulum and splattered a bright line of blood up the wall of the cubicle.
    Let me tell you this: standing in piss, with my dress over my shoulder, a used tampon in my hand, my legs apart, trying to scrub my own menstrual blood off the wall of a public toilet, was almost definitely not the finest moment of my life.
    I then had to stand in church, smile benignly at the bride, and try not to think about how repulsive I was.
    Just thought you should know.

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