Summertime Santa – Friday Fictioneers August 2/13

Friday Fictioneers is sponsored by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields.  The idea is to write a 100 word story with a beginning, middle and end based on the photo prompt.

Photo copyright: Jennifer Pendergast

Copyright - Jennifer Pendergast

Summertime Santa

(105 words)

“Come sit on the bee, honey.”

“No, Mommy.”

“I’ll lift you up.”

“No.”

“Be a good boy and sit on the bee, John.”

“NO!”

“Just quickly so I can take a picture for your nanny and poppa.”

“No, Mommy.  Scary.”

“It’s just pretend, John.  See?  Mommy’s petting the bee.”

“Mommy sit on bee.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.  Here, stop squirming.  I’ll just put you on for a second.  It will be fun.”

“No. Bees hurt.”

“Fine.  Be silly about it.  No picture for your grandparents.  That’s not very nice.”

John wipes the hot tears off his cheeks and picks a flower.

“I take this for them.”

 

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Not A Post About Sex

This is going to be more of a cerebral post.

You’re correct if you understood that to mean I am thinking with my vagina on this one.  I know the guys get it.  Women, are you with me?

So, my vagina was thinking after 20 or so years of being poked, prodded and pounded, it wants a holiday.  Can’t say I blame it.  Now the two of us have to decide what kind of holiday is appropriate.  Unfortunately my vagina only goes where I go.  Sometimes a good thing, sometimes I wish I could take it out like a set of dentures and set it in a glass of Poly-dent for about 4 days a month.

Anyway, there’s a decision to be made.  Vagina, I said, where do you want to go to get some R&R?

My vagina thought long and hard – because that’s what vaginas do when they’re not all distracted, spazzing out and engorging on the touch of a dime.  My vagina’s answer was an escape to that traditional fantasy place; a remote and deserted island.  Made a lot of sense to me, but I just had to know what, if anything, my vagina would take on this retreat.  In the blink of an eye, the royal V ripped off a top five list:

1. Premium salon shampoo

2. Hair relaxant

3. A comb

4. Lip balm

5. Walnuts

Use your imagination

Suddenly I felt like the worst vagina owner ever.  Had I been neglecting the more superficial needs of this apparatus?  My vagina was clearly craving to experiment with a new look, perhaps hoping to practice ways to be incognito in the future as well as on this much-needed retreat.  As for the walnuts, I instantly related to her desire to get in shape and decided I would buy her several pounds of said nuts to crack away at.

I’m thrilled that just by giving it some overdue, positive attention my vagina and I have already connected in this way.  I hope we can both return from this vacation with a renewed sense of purpose and admiration for each other.

After I get back from the grocery store we’re hitting the road.  In addition to the walnuts, I have a big surprise for my vagina when we get to our destination.  I’m going to build a gigantic tampon effigy and the two of us are going to sip margaritas, snack on cracked walnuts and watch it burn as the sun sets over the palm trees.

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