This is going to be more of a cerebral post.
You’re correct if you understood that to mean I am thinking with my vagina on this one. I know the guys get it. Women, are you with me?
So, my vagina was thinking after 20 or so years of being poked, prodded and pounded, it wants a holiday. Can’t say I blame it. Now the two of us have to decide what kind of holiday is appropriate. Unfortunately my vagina only goes where I go. Sometimes a good thing, sometimes I wish I could take it out like a set of dentures and set it in a glass of Poly-dent for about 4 days a month.
Anyway, there’s a decision to be made. Vagina, I said, where do you want to go to get some R&R?
My vagina thought long and hard – because that’s what vaginas do when they’re not all distracted, spazzing out and engorging on the touch of a dime. My vagina’s answer was an escape to that traditional fantasy place; a remote and deserted island. Made a lot of sense to me, but I just had to know what, if anything, my vagina would take on this retreat. In the blink of an eye, the royal V ripped off a top five list:
1. Premium salon shampoo
2. Hair relaxant
3. A comb
4. Lip balm
Use your imagination
Suddenly I felt like the worst vagina owner ever. Had I been neglecting the more superficial needs of this apparatus? My vagina was clearly craving to experiment with a new look, perhaps hoping to practice ways to be incognito in the future as well as on this much-needed retreat. As for the walnuts, I instantly related to her desire to get in shape and decided I would buy her several pounds of said nuts to crack away at.
I’m thrilled that just by giving it some overdue, positive attention my vagina and I have already connected in this way. I hope we can both return from this vacation with a renewed sense of purpose and admiration for each other.
After I get back from the grocery store we’re hitting the road. In addition to the walnuts, I have a big surprise for my vagina when we get to our destination. I’m going to build a gigantic tampon effigy and the two of us are going to sip margaritas, snack on cracked walnuts and watch it burn as the sun sets over the palm trees.