Not A Post About Sex

This is going to be more of a cerebral post.

You’re correct if you understood that to mean I am thinking with my vagina on this one.  I know the guys get it.  Women, are you with me?

So, my vagina was thinking after 20 or so years of being poked, prodded and pounded, it wants a holiday.  Can’t say I blame it.  Now the two of us have to decide what kind of holiday is appropriate.  Unfortunately my vagina only goes where I go.  Sometimes a good thing, sometimes I wish I could take it out like a set of dentures and set it in a glass of Poly-dent for about 4 days a month.

Anyway, there’s a decision to be made.  Vagina, I said, where do you want to go to get some R&R?

My vagina thought long and hard – because that’s what vaginas do when they’re not all distracted, spazzing out and engorging on the touch of a dime.  My vagina’s answer was an escape to that traditional fantasy place; a remote and deserted island.  Made a lot of sense to me, but I just had to know what, if anything, my vagina would take on this retreat.  In the blink of an eye, the royal V ripped off a top five list:

1. Premium salon shampoo

2. Hair relaxant

3. A comb

4. Lip balm

5. Walnuts

Use your imagination

Suddenly I felt like the worst vagina owner ever.  Had I been neglecting the more superficial needs of this apparatus?  My vagina was clearly craving to experiment with a new look, perhaps hoping to practice ways to be incognito in the future as well as on this much-needed retreat.  As for the walnuts, I instantly related to her desire to get in shape and decided I would buy her several pounds of said nuts to crack away at.

I’m thrilled that just by giving it some overdue, positive attention my vagina and I have already connected in this way.  I hope we can both return from this vacation with a renewed sense of purpose and admiration for each other.

After I get back from the grocery store we’re hitting the road.  In addition to the walnuts, I have a big surprise for my vagina when we get to our destination.  I’m going to build a gigantic tampon effigy and the two of us are going to sip margaritas, snack on cracked walnuts and watch it burn as the sun sets over the palm trees.

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16 thoughts on “Not A Post About Sex

  1. Oh, you never fail to tantalise the mind or other body parts…on another note. I just read an “interesting” news from Malaysia Digest (as I reside in Malaysia). And yes, funny enough, it is to do with vaginas. http://www.malaysiandigest.com/news/36-local2/407321-designer-vaginas-now-a-trend-among-middle-class-malaysians.html?q=news%2F36-local2%2F407321-designer-vaginas-now-a-trend-among-middle-class-malaysians.html
    Thought you might find the article amusing for many reasons. I seriously do not dare ask what makes an attractive vagina. LOL

  2. Best present I ever gave my vagina, was getting the old baby equipment taken out! Now it no longer wants vacations because it’s prepped for sport *&%^ing. lol Have a nice vacation!!

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