Another Brick In The Wall

I don’t tend to get political and I don’t often get serious on this blog.  But this post is a bit of both.

In case you haven’t heard our fabulous mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, has admitted to smoking crack, buying illegal drugs and being grossly intoxicated in public and on video tape during this current mayoral term.  And just yesterday he let us know on live TV that:  “The woman said I wanted to eat her pussy.  I’ve never said that in my life to her. I would never do that. I’m happily married. I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.”

These are just the big-ticket items – the headline grabbers.  Through his three-year reign so far here in Toronto he has made, on a personal level, bad decision after bad decision.  His defenders take the position that he’s done great things for the city and that his personal matters shouldn’t cloud what he’s accomplished as a mayor.  His naysayers reference well, just about anything because if it’s something bad, Rob Ford has done it.  There’s no shortage of material to draw from.

My biggest problem with the man is his personality.  This guy is a narcissist and a bully.  Sadly, I’m familiar with the type because I have an ex-husband who is a narcissist (the bully part I’m not sure of because he never speaks and his girlfriend does a lot of emailing for him), and an ex-friend (my ex-husband’s girlfriend referenced above) who is a narcissist and most definitely a bully.  In Rob Ford’s case, he has a brother named Doug Ford who speaks and acts for him, and defends him much of the time.  The similarities between my ex and his girlfriend and Rob Ford and his brother are eerie and all too familiar.  This is what agitates the hell out of me.

It has taken me the better part of 10 years to learn how to manage narcissists, and although I still don’t always get it right because I sometimes go against my own good sense, I have a way better understanding of how they operate and what I can expect from any relationship  with a narcissist.  What I can expect is that a narcissist operates under the fundamental belief that he/she is right.

That’s pretty much the bottom line.  They are right, you are wrong.  Period.

And this is often to everyone’s detriment, even the narcissist’s.  However, because a narcissist sees him/herself as the holder of the truth, it doesn’t matter what the fallout is or who it hurts.  It matters that the narcissist has chosen a position and will see it through no matter what you throw at them.  The reality is only their reality, the one they’ve created, even if common sense or rationality would persuade a “normal” person to respond in a different way, a narcissist will respond quite consistently in one way – by rejecting your point of view.  You are wrong – in case I wasn’t clear about that.

To put it into practice, here’s just one example from our esteemed mayor:

Rob Ford:  Yes I have smoked crack cocaine.  Um, probably in one of my drunken stupors, probably approximately about a year ago.

People of Toronto:  This is very concerning to us.  You should resign or at the very least take a break and seek treatment for the sake of the city.

Rob Ford:  No.  I was elected to do a job and that’s exactly what I’m going to continue doing.

Now, Rob Ford was elected to do a job and he says this often to defend his obstinate position.  However, some of those jobs were not to smoke crack, pose with gang members, get drunk at public events, get filmed high (probably on crack) and talk about killing someone and gouging their eyes out.  Some of those jobs were also not to lie about the existence of a  video tape that the media saw, throw the media under the bus calling them “maggots” among other things, only to then throw a “Yes, I’ve made mistakes, all I can do now is apologize and move on,” to the public when said video tape actually surfaces.

Yet, Rob Ford won’t go away.  He won’t admit wrongdoing other than “I’ve made some mistakes, but….”  Why?  Because Rob Ford doesn’t actually think he’s wrong.  Rob Ford thinks he’s doing a good job.  Rob Ford thinks his mistakes are small ones, if mistakes at all, and he thinks he is bigger than all of it. And if you don’t agree with him, he’ll just bully his way through with his brother leading the charge.  Keep at him and he’ll play the victim, the poor guy who everyone is ganging up against, and why?  Well obviously because there’s an election in 10 months and contenders are so afraid of Rob Ford’s chances of winning a second term that they’ll do anything to soil his reputation.  That’s right.  It’s got nothing to do with Rob Ford’s own belligerence, his inability to speak coherently, or his addiction issues.  It’s everyone against Rob Ford, with no good reason.  Poor guy.

That’s the crux of it.  That’s what really gets my back up – the false blame.  The finger-pointing. It’s exactly like my ex and his crazy ass girlfriend.  They pull all this crap, say and do all sorts of nasty things and then can’t understand why they don’t get results and why people “gang up” on them.

To put it into practice, here’s one example from my warped ex and his girlfriend:

Ex and her: We moved across the country to be closer to the children and we want regular access with the children.

Me and everyone else:  Okay, I propose a separation agreement giving the children a reliable and predictable schedule with you and consistency in their lives.

Ex and her:  No we won’t sign the settlement agreement you proposed because you don’t really want a settlement, but we do.

Hmm.  Okay.  But I proposed the settlement.  You claim you want access and a real relationship with the children.  For a second there I thought we were actually talking the same language.  You would have them every other weekend and for shared holiday time, making the transition of your move across the country as easy as possible for the kids and you fight me the whole way.  You sabotage it and then you cry “denial of access.”  See how you two turned that around?  I’m wrong and an evil, bitter mother and you two are right, holders of the truth about having to be subject to an ex-bitch who denies access.  Brilliantly crazy and impossible to comprehend, let alone fight because it’s so irrational.

The narcissist and the bully both feed on the belief that they are winning or have won.  It’s hard to beat irrationality so everyone else around the bully or narcissist gives up.  The narcissist pegs it as surrender, as a kind of a coming around to their point of view.  They were right, see?  The bully is convinced that they have beat you.  Brawn over brains, see?

Rob Ford believes that if he just keeps carrying on, “business as usual” as he likes to say, we will all go away because there’s just no way through the crazy.  There’s no way through the brick wall, regardless of how hard we beat our heads against it.  And there’s nothing to say that he’s not onto a reliable formula.

I have at long last chosen sanity over trying to force a workable relationship with my ex.  Unfortunately, Rob Ford is in a position to continue to force his personality on me and the rest of the city and we Torontonians are left with no choice about severing the relationship (until the next election).  This is what infuriates me.  Rob Ford and his shitty personality are taking advantage of his political position to preside over us two million idiots that clearly don’t know as well as him.  He is a narcissistic ass and a great big schoolyard bully who is apparently content with the amount of pussy he gets to eat at home.

If only my ex had seen things that way, this might have been a completely different post.

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8 thoughts on “Another Brick In The Wall

  1. It so stinks that after suffering that behavior from your ex and partner for so many years, now you have to see the same traits trotted out by your mayor. The saddest part seems to be that there is a chance of getting rid of Rob Ford but no chance of ridding yourself of the bullying of ex and ex-friend duo. Keep sane, Denmother.

    • The most horrible part is feedback doesn’t work with these types, no matter how many people are delivering the same message. So they may go away for periods of time but when they surface it’s with the same old shit and same old attitude. Change and progress? not in their vocabulary.

    • Yeah, there were great periods with my ex but also foreshadowings of the personality to emerge, though I never expected this extreme. I think he’s fed by the personality (girlfriend) he teamed up with.
      I never voted for Rob Ford because he always presented to me as a big bully. He’s blossomed into a full on narcissist now too. I would argue that he was never a good mayor because he used aggression and bullying to “get things done.”

  2. I’ve seen bits and pieces of this, but I haven’t followed it or searched out information outside of what I’ve seen on the newschannels. I did have this thought this morning, that he’s behaving very narcissistically – he’s acting like people talking about his indiscretions is what is inhibiting his ability to do his work as mayor, when in fact it’s his indiscretions that inhibit his ability to perform his duties.
    Yeah. These types are impossible to deal with. Assholes.

    • You’ve summarized perfectly. They act the part (or make their own bed as I often say) but then can’t connect criticism/advice/concern/frustration from others with their own insane actions. It’s mind boggling. Assholes.

  3. You are so right. Nailed it when you said the narcissist believes he is always right – unable to even consider someone else’s point of view. The only consolation is that when they fall, and they typically do, they fall much harder than the rest of us.

    • They can fall, no question, but then I think they move on to temporarily conquer other unsuspecting folk who don’t initially understand the personality type. They continue to breed destruction. That seems to be my ex and his girlfriend’s pattern anyway.

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