I’m doing it. I’m flying away from the cold. I’m L.A. bound in under two weeks time. Oh, the agony of the wait.
While waiting, I’ve tightened up my list of top five things I need to take with me to L.A. Why? Well, because I want to finally get it right. If you’ve ever been to L.A. you’ll recall that it’s really a planet unto its own. People live, work and liposuction to the beat of their own drum. If you’ve never been there, you’ll get a taste of it once you read through the most important things to consider taking with you when you go:
1. Boobs – my own but also some fake ones to enhance my own. I’m going to the land of special effects. I won’t even feel like I’m cheating. Men, feel free to source fake six-packs. Please.
2. Teeth whitener – it’s not true that the sun shines longer and brighter in L.A. It’s actually the collective glare off of the pristine, whitening strip teeth that make it seem that way. Whatever. I’ll take it. It’s been a cold, grey (and yellow) winter so far.
3. Bleach and a Brazilian – not a real Brazilian (I think they call them Mexicans in L.A.) but a wax job. The drapes won’t match the carpet so out with the carpet, in with the chemical blond. Everyone’s doing it.
4. Map – not to the homes of the stars but to IN-N’-OUT burger locations because it’s the only place I’ll be able to afford to eat while I’m there.
5. Calendar – to celebrate every glorious day that I’m escaping from this infernal winter, while simultaneously drawing energy to get through it by the warmth emitted from the Cougar Den Valentine’s Day Like-in. February 14th. It’s hot.